The easier thing would be to not write this. Believe me, I weighed out the risks and here is what I found: by writing this piece others could come to all types of conclusions about my abilities, my wisdom, my self-sufficiency, my independence, my decision-making, and even my faith. On the other hand, there are risks involved in not writing this: there is no glory given to God, no one can be helped by my struggle, I would continue to wear the mask that I’m sufficient, and all of us could miss out on grace. When I put it that way, it became very clear that the weight of importance – eternal importance – fell in the second list. That is why I share.
My problem with grace did not end when I found my slate wiped clean after arriving one minute late on my second day of work. No, it would not be that simple; I had much more to learn. I continued on in my work believing that everything was working out perfectly. Clearly God’s provision and timing was (is) perfect because I could see all sorts of pieces falling together as only God could do. I held that view until payday, the day my doubts began to pop back up. God was still very much involved, but it was not in the way I could immediately see. Those are the types of blindspots I have when paychecks don’t arrive.
Give us this day our daily bread. ~ Matthew 6:11
Have you ever wondered why Jesus taught us to pray for our daily bread when we already have next week’s bread in the freezer? Why do we ask God to supply what we have waiting for us? I suppose it has something to do with an attitude of gratitude, right? Something like “Thank you, God, for the food I put on the table with the work that I did because of my ability.” It couldn’t really mean we should actually be in a state of daily dependence – could it? Be careful with asking questions like that: you just might get answers that you would rather not know.
The money I did have was running low, but that was to be expected. I had lost a job six months ago and, although eligible for some funds from unemployment, the actual claim would never process correctly. When I submitted this form, I was told to submit that form. When I appealed, I heard no answer. Finally, as I approached full-time employment again, I was told to submit other claims that had already been submitted. I did. Still nothing. I received not a penny of financial benefit in six months. Mentally I said, “Ok, God, I get it – rely on you, blah, blah, blah.” I don’t mean to be flip, but I felt like I had the point. Clearly there was a lesson I had to learn, but how about some provision now that I understood?
When I woke up for my 10th day of work, it was payday. Finally. I had cut it close for the things that needed to be taken care of, but it looked like i was going to make it. And then there was no pay in my bank account. Maybe there’s a delay, I thought. After all, it was the first paycheck and I had no specific timeline to measure the process. So I asked my colleagues at lunch, “Did you get paid?” Yes, yep, uh-huh.
Suddenly my questions became more urgent. Why didn’t I get paid? Where was my pay? It was already Friday afternoon and there was a pending transaction at the bank for the coming Monday. If the money wasn’t there, what would happen? As I checked into the “why” of my dilemma, I found an unfortunate answer: the error was mine. When entering my bank information for the deposit, I had accidentally typed in an extra zero. The information was wrong and I had no one to blame but myself. (The irony was not lost on me that I discovered this error on the same day I had to pass an assessment for handling emergency situations at 100% accuracy.)
And forgive us our debts as we also have forgiven our debtors. ~ Matthew 6:12
Not only does this prayer use the odd word of “debtors”, but isn’t it strange that we ask for forgiveness right after we ask for provision? Isn’t that backwards? Aren’t we supposed to ask for forgiveness and then ask for provision?
I had no time to deal with the forgiveness petition; I literally needed daily bread. With no provision in pocket, nor in the bank, I began my lament: “God, I just worked for 80 hours in these past two weeks and have nothing to show for it…I’ve been faithful…I’ve been obedient…I’ve been…” and all of this became about me again. When I arrived home and realized that the miracle of finding money in my mailbox didn’t happen, I knew I was stuck. To be more accurate, on my own I was stuck.
There was no student loan check waiting to be cashed. No tax refund screaming through the internet to reach me. Just me, my God, and my questions. I did what I did not want to do: ask for help. I found myself in a very busy bank on a Saturday morning with only a question of whether or not this would even work. The bank is not the place I would expect to find grace. To be transparent, it took a big swallow of pride to find myself in the bank with my question in the first place. Here I was, a man (edit)…a white man (edit)…a college-educated white man (edit)…a God-believing, college-educated white man in the position of saying I didn’t have enough. All of my life I have been sold the line that if anyone should have it all, it should be me.
Someone got that wrong.
The teller heard my question and passed it along. One of the managers said she could talk with me if I could just wait a minute. So I went to wait as she told me, and I fought the urge to walk out. Why tell her my problem? She probably can’t do anything for me anyway. All that I wanted to know was if they could help me, and I was quite convinced that they could not. After a short wait she called me to her office and I explained my situation. She looked at my account and told me something I did not expect:
“Ok, Douglas, I can take care of that for you. I’ll make sure the payment goes through and I see you haven’t had any fees waived for you before. So if there are any fees, I’ll take care of that for you. Here’s my card and feel free to call me next week if you have any questions.”
That’s it?! No more explanation from me? No forms to sign? No…nothing? Just grace?
I’m pretty sure I thanked her, but I was mostly stunned that I could be helped that way. I drove away with my quarter-tank of gas to pick up my sons to head back home to our cupboards full of just enough. Grace had rocked me.
All the while I had wanted to find a way to make it on my own (giving thanks to God for what I had done), and God put me in a place where I could not. That is the place where we all must find ourselves at some point. We cannot. God can. I found myself in a state of dependence. I asked for help. When help was given, my daily bread petition AND my forgiveness petition were met all at once. Jesus did not have his prayer requests mixed up, not at all.
We humbly approach God, finally recognizing our own limitations, weaknesses, and insufficiency, and God responds with: “I’ll take care of that for you. Call on me anytime you wish.” There have been so many times that i have short-changed God’s provision and God’s forgiveness. I have also mistakenly thought that daily provision was more important than my own forgiveness. In spite of my blind eyes and in spite of my continual need for forgiveness, God hears our cry and meets our need.
That’s it? Just grace?
Yes, just incredible grace.